Day 7 in Sydney

Funny how walking alone on the streets gives you a clearer mind on everything.. I've been walking alot lately, with the breeze and the coolness in the air, it makes me realize that life can be a bit better when I am alone.

I miss him a lot lately. Every year since he left, i have dread going through birthdays and any other celebrations for that matter... life without him has been tough. For the last 2 years, everything that has happened seems so surreal. Even myself being in Sydney right now seems so surreal.

I need to clear my mind... I need to have closure. But yet i am so afraid that i will slowly forget about him. That i will lose him forever. Memories can be swiped away in time. I can just hear him calling out to me right now... Dar Dar... I miss how he use to call me... I miss the times when he'd kiss me on the forehead and hold me in his arms... he was a part of my life for the longest time i could ever remember.

What am i going to do now? I wish i could be where he is right now. I find it so hard to go on at times. That i feel like giving up. Putting up a front for everyone is just a tiring thing to do every single fucking day of my life!

Day 6 in Sydney

I'm falling deeper and deeper into this black hole. Each day passes by and I think I am losing myself completely. I end up staring blankly outside with no more thoughts.

I know I feel sad, very very sad. As much as i want to appear happy in front of everyone else, its getting harder and harder. I am so tired. I don't know how long I can go on like this! There are times where I want to give up totally!

I surrender! I loose! I admit I am just fighting a losing battle with myself! I don't know which is worst. To be ignorant about it or to know about it and not do anything to make it better?

Everyday, I see bits and pieces of my life disappearing. And one day everything will fade away...

HI-3A-1

My heart sunk deeper tonight. On this cold autumn night in Sydney, Pinky sent me an email saying that she found where he is placed exactly - HI-3A-1. My heart froze for a while. I have the lot number now.. where he is immortalised at 26 forever.

Even though i have come to terms that i need to face him eventually. It's just so hard to make what i am feeling right now go away. I don't know how to feel right now? To accept, yes. To be frightened, yes. To want to run away from it all over again, yes!

Its 01.42am right now, i can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't think of anything else but him. And it makes me wonder how can i face up to him in due time. I am so afraid that I will lose myself! That I will breakdown. That it would kill me too to see him in a box.

It really bothers me.

April - birthday and funeral

April. My birthday is coming up and this time around I will be spending it in Sydney. Thanks to WeeSlut and ManjaBelle.

At the same time, I am also sad that it's that time year that I miss Dar Dar the most! I sort of decided that it's time for a closure. And so i asked Pinky to provide me with the info on where Dar Dar is put to rest.

Couldn't help but to shed tears when she replied. To think that i have been running away from all this for the longest time... And to think that i have not been able to let him go for the last 2 years. The longest 2 years in my life, the most painful 2 years.

It's hard to let go. Coz deep down inside me, i just want to believe that he is still alive but just away for a while. The bond between is so strong that i sometimes feel that he is just next to me, holding me when i sleep. Or maybe it's just my imagination. But i feel so safe whenever i feel like that. That I couldn't care less about the world coz i was in his arms!

I miss the mid-night sms-es, the butterfly kisses on my head, my lips, the holding of hands... how he use to lie down on my legs while i was sitting up and he'd tell me stories about lost times... how he'd tickle me whenever i said anything naughty. How he hated cats and chased cats away whenever he saw any in the yard. He'd always be wearing his singlet at home with his loose shorts. Always kacau his mum that we were getting married and I am the new daughter-in-law...

We'd sit on the swing in the garden smoking. most of the time gazing at the stars, our stars and vowing to each other that whenever we look upon the stars, we'd know that we'd be missing each other!

We had a history together... we had tales to tell our children that we were best friends... that we loved each other dearly and cherished each other and all that time we spent together... we meant alot to each other... But now, it's me and me alone. How is that not gonna affect me? How can i not feel hurt... and alone and sad and angry and all that?

But It will come to an end soon. Coz I only have beautiful memories to keep of him. Coz everything that I have with him are only good things and never bad ones..

Dar Dar, I will take you to Sydney for a holiday, and we are gonna have fun together, me and you in my heart! And when we come back... I will promise i will send you off on your journey...

I miss you, I love you and I will always have you in my heart... Dar Dar, you are a part of my life, and a part of me!

Ye Olde Foo-Kin Pub

This pub really cought my attention the very first time i was at Bali... This time around, i had to go in for myself so that i would be able to tell people that i actually went to the Foo-kin pub and ate some good foo-kin food cooked by the foo-kin chef, served by the foo-kin staff and had a drink with the foo-kin boss, Rick Cream. He's this young Australian chap that is part owner of the Foo-Kin Pub! Quite cute for an ang-mor... hahhhahha...

I went in and was welcomed by Rick himself and also Suwati, the hostess. Sat down and i was served a welcome drink, which was the strongest and nicest concoction of a screwdriver!!! It was absolutely lovely! i then went on to try the Sheperds Pie which i totally forgot to take a photo of. It was quite alright, the portion was HUGE!!! I couldn't finish it on my own. Maybe it was due to the rich and filling avocado shake that i had... it was the best that i had throughout my stay in Bali, TWICE!

I was surprised that they served San Miguel beer in Bali! I had no choice but to order and try the beer for a mere Rp 10,000! i was even given a happy hour rate which was a 15% off for all alcoholic drinks! so i paid RM3.30 for a bottle of beer!!!! How can i not end up an alcoholic if i ever decide to stay in Bali for long term???

The environment of the pub was generally quite good. They even had an attached budget inn. So that ensured that the pub had a regular crowd of people. One more thing is that, they have a weekend "Foo-Kin Crawl" every thursday. This "foo-kin crawl" basically is an organised event where the crowd pays a fee and the foo-kin pub would provide transport to town for some crazy partying sessions together with the bosses and other travellers... they'd head to town and go clubbing and also get discounted rates on alcohol and food... Too bad i had to leave Bali by then. If not i would have loved to join them and see what the "Foo-Kin Crawl" was all about!

I promise myself that the next time i go, i will make sure that i get a chance to go for the Foo-Kin Crawl and join in the fun!!!!

I wish dar dar was still around! He'd know what to do and what to say to me!!!!

Sigh....

I miss you dar dar!!